For those of you who know me well enough the next few lines will not come as any surprise. Mark spent some time talking to me about how I play mind games with myself and I need to stop. Then he said, drum roll please, “stop thinking so much”. Yeah….

Parameters are changing, recommendations of my PT, so there will probably be an adjustment period following. So be it. These parameters include 2 days of double cardio sessions, times are specific, choose from early in the morning before breakfast (eye-brows raised), after ST, or after dinner. The other parameter that will be changing is an extra day of ST. So my new routine I worked out should look something like this:

Monday – 30 min. cardio (AM), 30 min. cardio (PM)
Tuesday –Spin (PM)
Wednesday - PT then Spin (PM)
Thursday – 30 min. cardio (AM), 30 min. cardio (PM)
Friday – 30 min. AM/PT PM
Saturday – ST
Sunday – OFF

Tomorrow is my official measurement day with PT, one month progress. I kept telling him, with only a 2lb loss in the last 4 weeks, don’t be surprised when he only sees a .5% decrease in BF. He told me to squash that thinking and visualize a 2% loss. I just know my body, yet he thinks if I think it that will be enough to overcome my slow losses. I like the idea of positive thinking and generally I’m a very positive person, but I’ve been conditioned by this weight loss experience to not get overly excited about any quick losses. So I’m sitting in a lotus position with my palms facing up fingers touching as to cycle the energy while visualizing the 2% loss.

Last night was UB, quickly becoming one of my favorites, with legs being primary fave. I forgot my wrist wraps, I’m putting them in my bag now so I don’t forget them again. I can see how they will be beneficial to working larger muscles more effectively, especially as I become more advanced.

4 Supersets
Cable Row – 45lbs x 25/75lbs x 20/90lbs x 20/drop set – 120lbs x 10, 90lbs x 10, 75lbs x 10, 45lbs x 10

Decline Push-ups – 15/15/15/3 ways – 10 decline, 10 regular, 10 incline

BB Front Raises – 20lbs x 20/20lbs x 20/20lbs x 20/20lbs x 10 rest 5 seconds repeat 4x

4 Supersets
Close Grip Pull-down – 60lbs x 25/75lbs x 20/105lbs x 20/3 way – 60lbs x 10 (not fully extended), 60lbs x 10 (fully extended half way to chest), 60lbs x 10 (full range to chest), no rest between reps

Cable Side Raise – 10lbs x 20/10lbs x 15/10lbs x 15/10lbs x 10 rest 5 sec. repeat 4 x

Cable Fly – 20lbs x 20/20lbs x 20/20lbs x 20/20lbs x 20 (all with a hold of 2 seconds)

2 Supersets
Seated Incline Curls – 10lbs x 15/12lbs x 12

E-Z Curl Lying Tricep Extensions – 20lbs x 20/20lbs x 20

I came back on my own and did some preacher curls because I had time to spare.
Machine Preacher Curls – 40lbs x 20/50lbs x 15/65lbs x 10/65lbs x 8

As I was leaving another trainer said I was looking really good. I told him I had only lost 2lbs in a month and he said it didn’t matter because I was definitely toning. He could tell it in my arms and legs, and glanced at my tummy as he said he could tell a difference. Mark did the same. So they must be seeing something I’m not yet.

Will update again tomorrow after measurement day with PT.

SO on top of warm fuzzies and pissed off workouts, Friday was a day of self-acceptance. My husband and I went to dinner after my workout, hair pulled-back, jeans, flip-flops, the works! This is my normal comfort zone. When we arrived at cheat meal destination, a higher end restaurant, also a typical hangout for the groupies, my insecurities and reasons for ever hiding myself in the first place were confronted. Ahhhhhh… I knew it’d raise its ugly head again sooner or later.

I really wasn’t too concerned that we were out on a Friday night bumming, as I like to call it. I deserved the right to bum; I just busted my tail and this was my reward. We had a 45 min. wait before we could be seated so we used that time to talk and enjoy some people watching – yes, I can be bad like that.

We saw all different dress attire, casual, formal, trendy, tacky, and even bummy. I didn’t feel so bad, besides I really didn’t care, right? Yeah, that’s what I kept telling myself.

We finally got seated and so I made my way to the restroom. It was perfect timing because right after I got there, there was a mad rush, kind of scary. While waiting in line, 3rd in line (I was the lucky one), I couldn’t help but examine the other women. As they waited in line they kept glancing in the mirror to primp their hair or adjust their dresses. Their toe nails perfectly manicured and nothing seemed to be out of place with them. I’m only imagining what they could be thinking about me, in my flip-flops and naked toe nails. As I stood there I wondered why I can’t accept I’ve never been one of “those” girls. It’s obvious I will never be, and my soul has no desire. But yet, I still feel as though I don’t fit in.

Finally getting my turn to relieve myself, I wash my hands feeling the calluses, the fruits of my labor, and remember who it is I AM. I fought with really accepting myself at this point, and was irritated by the fact that I was fighting at all.

It was almost surreal how the number of women multiplied so quickly and they all looked like they spent quite a deal of time on themselves, perfecting themselves. I didn’t see another one of me in the bunch. I swear to you, there were at least 15 women in line. The feelings of not fitting in were way too much to ignore or push back at this point. All of a sudden, my hard work and accomplishments were void because I didn’t FIT in. What’s THAT about!?

When I arrived back at our table my husband asked what was wrong. I told him I don’t fit in with these people and I felt I should. He told me quite bluntly, “Screw that! This is why I fell in love with you. Because you are different, you are not like them.” I need to be ME and remember it’s completely okay to be me. Why do I feel I have to fit in with a certain stereotypical group? I’m accepted by many, I don’t have to be accepted by all. And really….. the only thing that really matters is that I’m accepted by ME.

It shows this journey is so much more than just simple. It’s complex, deep and everlasting. There is no end. To end would mean we are perfect or have given up on ourselves. To be perfect is impossible and to give up on ourselves shouldn’t even be an option.

Tonight was a night for warm fuzzies for me. I was about 15 minutes late to ST and disappointed I probably wouldn’t be able to work out for the full 60 min. When I arrived Mark made the comment he was worried I wasn’t going to show up. He said he was going to be disappointed because he loves training me. He said he gets excited when he trains me. Awwwwwwe...

On to the workout... It was pretty awesome! He keeps making comments that I’m “tough as nails” and “very strong”, but for me I don’t know what’s “normal”, maybe I should say average, and above or below that level. I just know what’s easy to me and what’s not, ya know? Although, tonight even had me jaw dropping, wow!

Here ‘t’is:

Lovely Legs!
4 sets Lying Hamstring Curl
40lbs x 20/70lbs x 20/90lbs x 15/70lbs x 10 hold 5 sec. repeat 4x

5 sets Barbell Dead-lifts (here’s where it got a little exciting for me)
45lbs x 15/95lbs x 12/135lbs x 8/185lbs x 5 (WHAT!? WOOOT!)/95lbs x 15 (on floor)

3 Supersets
Standing Leg Curl (each leg)
15lbs x 20/25lbs x 20/30lbs x 20

Stool Calf Raises
30/30/30

Floor Calf Raises
30/30/30

3 Supersets
Leg Extensions
75lbs x 15/90lbs x 15/90lbs x 15

Leg Press Wide
110lbs x 15/150lbs x 15/drop set – 210lbs x 5/130lbs x 15

When we were resting between sets of dead-lifts I asked him about releasing me on core workouts. He said no again. I told him I don’t mind him not wanting me to do it on my own but he has to at least tell me why. So he explained that having a strong core leads to more efficient lifting, which leads to better results. I can understand that, and I can see the difference in focus between James and Mark even more now. Mark is taking me to competition. I was able to use these words…. “OH, so you don’t trust ME.” HA! What a turn of the tables! He’s okay with me doing my own workouts in between. He just isn’t ready for me to take one body part all to myself. I can respect this, for now.

So, after I did the 3rd set of dead-lifts I started calculating the weight. I had to question him that I just did 135 lbs, like all the sudden I can’t add or something. He seems excited to be training me like he had said previously. Then the 4th set came. I just watched him add two plates and thought they were 10 pounders. I didn’t even stop and calculate what that would have been; at this point I’m in total trust of my trainer. I reach down and am almost stopped by the girth of this Olympic bar with these big giant 45lb plates on the end and then 2 smaller ones added. He gets loud, “oh yeah.” DH and I have been talking about how I analyze everything, down to the smallest thing someone can say, that’s what I’m doing with his comment. In my mind he told me, “You got this, and I can’t wait to see it.” So into action I went. If it weren’t for my grip I could have completed my 6 reps he wanted me to do. But my grip was slipping and 5 was all I could manage without dropping the bar (unfortunately lifting the bar up to begin doesn’t technically count). He’s aware because he tells me with the wrist straps he wanted me to get (I did, I just forgot to bring them) I could have lifted it more. I knew that.

He keeps saying that we’re about to get real serious, with a big grin. He tells me I need my wrist straps and a weight belt, to carry a bag with me so I’ll have everything I need when we need it. He’s prepping me for the fun stuff to come. While he's getting excited, I’m still wondering how much I just lifted. I asked how much the smaller plates are he added and as I’m seeing they were 25lbs, NOT the 10 I had assumed, he tells me “185!”. My eyes bug out! Are you kidding me!? Even I can’t believe what I’ve just done and to think if it weren’t for my hands slipping, I could have done more. Saweeeeet! I’m stoked!

My wheels are in motion again. I’m thinking of the possibilities I’m going to open up with my new trainer, where he’s possibly capable of taking me. I’m getting excited and more open to listening – trusting.

Today was WID. I was up a lb - 188.2. I guess just the thought of my cheat meal is enough to make those numbers jump.  For real, I'm trying to be level headed about it. 

I was sickly this last week and water consumption wasn't perfect, like usual.  I also upped my workout intensity.  I'm sure there's more than just one factor that went into this, including the nasty hormones beginning to fluctuate.  Ughhhh....

Back when RC had raised my calories to knock me off a plateau I started making notes to learn from my experiences.  The things I noticed when I was being underfed were, very tired, loss of appetite, and retain water, or gain "weight".  I think I may have hit that point this week and didn't even realize. 

Old mentality of "do more, lose more" seeped in when I know better than that.  So, I know the 188 is just water.  The cheat meal that I really want to avoid because of the weight gain may in fact be more what I need right now, not what I should be avoiding. 

I'm going to raise my calories 200 on days I have intense workouts though in hopes of keeping my body from going into starvation mode.

Tonight is KILLA legs with Mark.  Yummmmmy!  We'll hit glutes as well.  I'm starting to notice my gluteus medius showing through - YAYYY!  This is also the muscle that may be adding to my back/hip problems.  So definitely some changes there.  It's amazing the other changes I can SEE at this point in my weight loss.  I can honestly say even though I'm heavier than my lowest ever weight, I am at a place I have NEVER EVER been with my physique and it feels really good!  It's an unbelievable feeling.

We'll check in with tonight's report tonight or tomorrow.

PEACE OUT!

I peeked at the scale today and it’s still holding at 187. I’m a little apprehensive about that scheduled cheat meal tomorrow because of that, but tomorrow is WID not today. I really need to stay off that scale until my WID. I know I have a tendency to retain water after a ST workout. SO…. REALLY need to practice letting go. Always easier said than done.

Workout yesterday with Mark was easy until I told him so. I’m not sure if that was because I told him or I just didn’t give him enough time to turn up the heat. Here’s what we did…

Abs, Glutes, Low back

4 sets
12 reps knee raises, oblique raises (each side 12x)

4 supersets
Frog kicks off the bench 20x
Ab roll outs (hand held roller thingy) 12x
Oblique twists with bar (no weight) 30x (15 each side)

4 supersets
Reverse crunch (??) hung off a bench with legs supported by smith machine bar, crunched upwards (decline sort of) 12x (KILLLA)
Lying back extensions 20x

4 supersets
Jack Knives 20 each side
Decline crunch – revised with bungee cord starting at top not going all the way down (couldn’t do them right) 12x

DONE!

I guess this was more effective than I thought it was going to be at first. I’m sore in my hip flexors, back, chest, and shoulders – oh, and my obliques and abs. ;) My abs must be weaker than I believed, because my other muscles obviously took over when my abs began to fail.  Maybe this is the reason he isn't ready to let me on my own.  He spent a lot of time doing a 360 around me.  Assessing me thoroughly, it seemed.