I know it hasn't been long, but I'm starting out day 5 with a lot more motivation. I bought some Ezekiel bread, the only bread I'm "allowed" anymore. I need some variety if I'm to keep myself from burning out too quickly. I made "french toast" with it, using 4 egg whites, cinnamon, splenda, and 1 Tbsp. of sugar-free syrup (about 5 calories). It was so scrumptious! That's ALL it took to get spark my motivation again. Feeling good with almost one full week under my belt. :) Weight is back down to 184.8.  Funny 'cause I feel I might be a bit bloated.  And at that weight!? Nice! Official WID tomorrow.

I survived another day. I found today difficult, but now that I've refocused I can see what happened.

I got up to my alarm clock going off at 5:40 AM. Okay, technically I didn't "get up", I just opened my eyes. I started my normal conversations in order to convince myself there MUST be something wrong with me to want to get up at this time. I was actually able to talk myself into resetting my clock for another hour of sleep. I lay there for another 3 minutes before I B**** slapped myself with the "OWN IT", "JUST DO IT", and "NO EXCUSES" mentality.

I reached over and turned off my alarm. Popped out of bed and got ready for my 60 min. cardio. I was only 6 minutes late. :)

The rest of the day I'm having the feeling that it would just be easier to NOT eat than to eat what I have to eat. I spent most of the day in my head - having conversations with myself. ;) I just can NOT allow myself to give in. There's a part of me that just has to do this. I kept telling myself, I DO have what it takes, I just have to put forth more of an effort than I'm used to. I know I have this within me. I've seen myself do some pretty amazing things in the last year.

I grabbed a little moral support from friends and family as the day passed. They all reminded me of what I already knew - maybe I just had to hear someone else say it.

I found myself side tracked by painting my nails and guiding my children in how to clean their rooms. That helped with the cravings I had been having. That's about when I realized I still have some emotional eating that happens. It's been so minute that I haven't seen it. Very interesting. I also found that finding something to do will be very helpful when I'm having tough moments. I need to find more hobbies. :)

I also had a reminder of some reasons I do have an urge to eat, unrelated to hunger - being thirsty, bored, and TIRED! Sometimes just the power of knowledge is enough to get by.

4 of 56 days complete! 52 days to go!

It's been a while since I bloged. Today was measurement day with Mark.  It kinda went how I KNEW it would - disappointing.

Started out with the scale barely making any movement, to watching measurement after measurement show up the same or slightly lower.  This would be fine if it had onlyl been a short time since we last measured but it's been over 2 months!

I think one of the hardest things I've had to do is fight the feelings of being discouraged.  The thought that all the sacrifices and hard work I put in isn't paying off really wears on me a lot of the time.  Then trying to fight off the thoughts of "well, if the hard work isn't working, then why work so damn hard!?"

Mark looked over my food log after the BF% said there was no change, and in 2 months my measurements and weight only showed a very slight difference.  He said with a chuckle that I "obviously" was not telling him everything I was eating and I wasn't doing my cardio like I'm supposed to be doing.  My face flushed with anger and sadness.  I told him I was offended that he was basically calling me a liar, and I'm tired of everyone just assuming that I'm not following what I'm supposed to - that I'm not telling the whole truth.

He realized how upset I was at this point and the joking stopped.  He noted a few things I could have been doing differently and a little bit of an "off" week.  But that isn't my usual.  I mean come ON!  We are talking a period of over 2 months with very little change and I am not THAT damn inconsistant!

It's just really frustrating when you do the right things and work your butt off and get mediocre progress. And then fighting the feeling of being discouraged becomes as hard as the workouts.  Not to mention any other negative thoughts. 

When I expressed this to him I couldn't help but tear up.  That's when he pulled me off into the private room.  We spent the next hour and a half going through my log with a fine toothed comb. 

He asked me if I was ready, really ready for a tough change.  He said it appears that my body is extremely happy where it is.  I'm in shape and healthy, so my body is A-Okay.  We need to get it movin' again, and it's going to take being very tricky with it.

He made sure to tell me over and over, as if to not leave any doubts that this was going to be very hard.  I totally understand, but if I could just see a glimpse of some awesome progress it wouldn't be as tough as you would think (to me).  I'm tired of the feeling of banging my head against the wall.

The plan is 8 weeks of strictness, as if I were preparing to compete, with 100% consistancy and commitment.  The difference will be that I take one "cheat meal" every 2 weeks so that when it is actual time for competition I won't be completely burned out.  Everything has to be "spot on".  Those of us that have hung out with RC have heard this one a few times, and have seen the level of consistancy and commitment "spot on" actually requires.

Mark said after the 8 weeks we will "coast" to a real competition.  Then we will rinse and repeat minus the cheat meal.

Mark is good for me.  He told me if I feel like I'm going to cave, call him and he'll help support me through this.  I told him I might be calling him several times a day and he said, "that's fine, whatever it takes."  Does he sound like anyone we know? 

We talked a lot about planning and things I will have to do.  He left no room for confusion and little room for any questions.  He was pretty thorough in his instructions.  He also reminded me that he owned me. ;)  Well worth my $$.

We'll call this day 1 of  56.  Bring it on!

PR Monday - 245lbs - 2 reps on stiff legged deadlifts off the ground.

PR Tuesday - 155lbs - 2 reps incline bench press and 185lbs - 2 reps decline chest press.

I think I might have some haters. Uh oh, ain't there for them, provin' that every day.

Mark told me today the way you get through depression is know that you aren't alone and everyone fights it. I think the answer is.... envolve yourself in a killer leg workout!!  Ahhhhh yeah!

Legs!
Leg Extension
25/15 (single leg), 70/15, 115/15, 175/15

Smith Machine Squats
65/15, 95/12, 135/12, 155/12

Leg Sled (Leg Press) Weights are excluding the weight of the foot plate and bar (add 100lbs?)
90/20, 180/15, 270/12, 360/8, 90/20

Superset
Bouncing V-Squat (angled squat machine)
95/12, 95/12, 95/12

Leg Extension (hold each rep)
70/15, 70/15, 70/15


Saweeeet! I LOVE a good workout! This one was awesome!