I’ve always liked that I was unique, although there's always been a part of me that is a little uneasy about who I really am. I'm just now finally learning to accept myself for who I am and the things I like, regardless of what others think. For once, I'm not spending too much time or effort worrying about it. I like what I do and my husband supports me 110%.
The other day I showed up with Mark to work out, and a guy he knows asked him who he’s workin’ out with now. Mark turns and points to me and the guy looked shocked, like he expected Mark to be joking. Then he chuckles. I’m thinking… “AND?” LOL! See? Very defensive. Mark seemed proud of me though, as if he’d stand up for me if he needed to. *warm fuzzies* So, I brushed whatever he meant by that chuckle off, and got busy.
Then on the flip side, there’s a recent shopping event that flatters me. I had bought me some gloves to use during weight lifting because my calluses were beginning to really bother me. I found some "cute" purple ones with camouflage. Very cute, but they proved to be VERY ineffective. So, off to buy me some new toys, GLOVES!
I went to Academy where I was trying on all the gloves. One of the guys that work there came over to offer his assistance. I told him my dilemma and what I needed. Then I showed him my calluses, so he could see I wasn’t exaggerating or anything. I really needed help finding me some gloves that would help with my discomfort. He interrupted me with, “those are from lifting or something else?” Uhhh… “lifting”. He was so distracted by the fact that I’m a girl, I lift weights and I have these disgusting calluses on my hands (okay those are my words) that instead of helping me find gloves, he started asking me more questions.
I bring my attention back to the gloves. But, he’s too side-tracked with wanting to know more about my lifting. He continues to ask me about how I split my workouts up and shares his own experiences. I don’t mind. Then he tells another guy that works there that he really has a thing for women who lift serious weight. *blush*
Okay, I’m flattered, but I really need some damn gloves! I once again start looking over the gloves, trying them on and grabbing bars with them - testing them out. Although he is still consumed with curiosity that he has to ask me, “okay, one more thing… How much do you bench?” I’m thinking, OMG, do I really tell him? I don’t want him to think I’m some sort of brute. Then I figure, Ahhhh.. hell, why not? I deserve to brag about it, I’ve come very far in my progress. So I tell him – “185 with some help, but the most I’ve done on my own is 145.” I kid you not, his jaw dropped to the floor and he just stared at me. I’m giggling internally. *snicker*
I finally choose some gloves and tell him I gotta go, as much as I’d love to sit and compare how much weights we lift. I didn’t even go into my dead-lifts with him. *proud*
The only man that matters is my husband, and he totally digs it. *big cheesey smile* And he’s loving all my new muscles. *even bigger cheesey smile* I was really worried if he would still be attracted to me if I got into lifting and wanting to compete in a figure comp. eventually. I’m over the worry though. He has been my back bone at times, supporting me even when he’s uncomfortable. He’s just as proud of me as I am. At Thanksgiving he wrote on our thankful table cloth of how I inspire and support him to be healthier, and how thankful he was of me. *squishy emotions*
I just keep on keepin' on. I feel good with what I'm doing and I enjoy it thoroughly, almost too much. But out of everyone, I’m the only that has to like it. Well, hands down, there’s no questions there and I’m finally getting that part of it. I’m living this life for ME, no one else. For those that I cross paths with that encourage and support me, thank the Lord. For those that try to discourage me, see ya in another life.
Lifting for Me - Not Anyone Else
Into the 5th Week of Mission How Bad
It is Wednesday, 2 days into week 5 Mission How Bad! That sounds soooo much better. I keep telling myself, I made it this far, I definitely can't give up now. This has been such a huge eye-opener for me and what it will require of me to make my ultimate goal. I just keep telling myself, I will not allow others to tell ME what is realistic or unrealistic. Keep your own limits; don't put them off on me.
I'm feeling good about the time issue, as it seems to have less priority right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and where I'm heading, so I'm at peace with it - right now. ;)
Mark keeps making comments to me when I put my weight belt on about how tiny my waist is. Besides the fact it's almost cutting me in two, he sees what my body's potential is when the fat is squished out of the way. I admit, I am seeing it too.
After Thanksgiving, Mark asked me how much I weighed (he knows I can't stay off that scale). He said he wanted to know because he was expecting my weight to nose dive for the next 4 weeks. He has lots of confidence.
December 28th, here I come!
My Journey thus Far
Most of you know me from the excercise and fitness board. I hang out frequently on the Daily Routines thread. I first joined there because I had caught wind of some other members that were running in a local race here in my hometown. I, at the time, was looking for inspiration to keep me going on my journey to lose a lot of fat. And what I found was all that and more!
I remember reading some of the posts before I myself posted. I was so intimidated I decided to look around the board more. I then came across RC's goal thread. I thought I'd start there, it looked safe and something where a real professional could keep me accountable. There one of the members dragged me over to the Daily Routine thread. I KNOW I wouldn't have had the guts to do it myself. I mean for real... these women were much more fit, and athletic than me. They were real athletes. I was just a fat girl who thought I was athletic. I was welcomed with open arms and I felt it was genuine. But I was still uncomfortable around these athletes.
I watched all my new friends day after day pushing the limits with themselves and doing things I couldn't, or hadn't yet done. Things I hadn't even imagined myself every doing. Not only were these women pulling off things that I thought were just the most incredible things I'd ever seen in my life, but they were of all ages and sizes, showing no limits. The inspiration to go beyond what I ever imagined myself doing was sparked, and my whole belief system started to make a shift.
My frist goal was to run a 5k after many, many years off. (I used to run track - in highschool, and I ran a few 5ks right after) I was excited though because I got to meet real people that supported me through my training, some great women who have become life long friends. Priceless.
I ended up running that 5k in 46.20 min. I remember being SO pleased it didn't take me 50+ minutes! Everyone cheered me on; it was great! Oh, they all ran the 1/2 marathon! :)
If I really put the next year into words it would take up too much space. So many changes have unfolded since then. More than I expected from just wanting to lose some weight. I can't even put into words the feelings.
I trained for several more 5ks, because I enjoy that distance. And a year later, in the same race I first ran, I crossed the finish line in 35:57. Then finally my last 2 5k's were 31 min. and 31 min. and 10 sec. That's only a year later. ;) I'll take it! My next goal is to run them right at or under 30. SO doable!
So in the meantime, I had been learning how to spice up my strength training routines with RC's help. What I came to realize is that I absolutely LOVE weight training. And it was no doubt I would, considering my whole life I've always enjoyed physical activities, even ones that included hauling heavy objects. I grew up with admiration for my strength and abilities and I just re-awakened them. RC helped me see this again in myself.
After some encouragement from RC I hired a trainer, lost a trainer, gained another one, and am now moving even deeper in my desire to make this a part of my life.
Since then, most of my time has been spent in developing my knowledge and experience in this sport, weight lifting. I'm soaking it up and loving every minute of it.
RC has also challenged me to compete in a figure competition. Well, he suggested I do it, and I challenged myself to go for it! At first I was very reluctant, partly because I didn't know enough about the sport. But I've been studying up and I am in a place I feel that I NEED to do it. I feel like I've worked so hard for the last 3+ years I deserve to show off what I have (will have) been able to do with myself. I think this goal will speak volumes to others that setting limits for yourself is no way to live. Telling yourself you can't do something will get you just that, nowhere.
I'm also finding myself, along this journey, beginning to become someone that I've held hostage inside. Like this real life person is screaming to come out, and I've just been pushing her down, suffocating her. It's time for her to show herself.
This has been the most challenging part of this whole journey. It's a very scary thing to pull this woman out of hiding. It means that I have to constantly put myself in uncomfortable positions in order to learn and grow. It effects, not only me, but the one's near me that have grown accustomed to the way things are. And seriously? Who LIKES change? It's been so painfully tough, that I ask myself quite frequently, "is this all worth it?" And the answer is, "YES! I'M WORTH IT!" For once in my life, I'M WORTH IT! That should never be a question I or anyone else ever ask themselves.
My whole life I've lived comfortably, avoiding anything that didn't fit in that comfort zone. Let's face it, that's how I got FAT in the first place. I didn't want to be uncomfortable. I was avoiding the discomfort of actually moving, or the real discomfort, self-discipline. And putting myself first was WAY too uncomfortable. There were WAY too many feelings I'd rather not face attatched to taking care of me before others. Those two go hand-in-hand though, exericse and putting yourself first. If they didn't, it would be near impossible to get the exercise done with all that is required of you in one day, all the people and things that need your attention. You can put your needs off forever in this way.
So I'm in this place now. Putting myself first, putting myself in environments that provoke more change and growth. I'm a butterfly that's seeing the world for the first time as she makes her way out of the cocoon. It's painful, but... it's ohhhh so beautiful.
The more I train the more I've learned how the state of your mind can be the root of all evil, that make-or-break you element. We see it all the time. We tell ourselves things that just aren't true and put our beliefs in thoughts and ideas that limit our growth daily. When I train my body, I train my mind, and that is why I love it so.
I hope this can be some motivation for others experiencing this journey. No one ever said it would be easy. It's more than just losing a few lbs. It's about regaining your self!
New Territory
I'm taking today off, but all I had to do was 60 min. (all?) elliptical. I think recovery will be more beneficial to me at this point. I keep replaying in my head the thread RC posted about the importance of diet vs. exercise. If you have to choose one over the other, it needs to be nutrition first. I'll pick back up on Friday. We're working legs. (where's the drooling smiley)
It was funny RC mentioned he thought this goal might have a profound emotional impact on me, because a couple days before that post I had been feeling... weird. I finally put my finger on the weirdness. I'm entering new territory and it's just that it's all unfamiliar for me. From the beginning, I've been able to remember times where I had been in that paticular place before, but now... I'm moving out of anyplace I've ever experienced.
I was telling Mark the other day it's crazy that even though I'm not to the lowest weight I had seen in the last several years, I was definitely in a place I've never been before. I weigh 182 (minus a few oz. ) and my lowest weight as an adult was 174. At that time I was in a size 12. Now I'm almost 10lbs heavier and in a size smaller clothes. And anything below a size 10 would put me pre-highschool, in which I was technically a "kid". And how can you compare anything as an adult to when you were a kid? You're just too physically and emotionally different. So this is all new to me.
I'm also building more self-esteem by not giving up when I sometimes really just don't know if I can take anymore, just to realize... I don't have a choice when it comes to giving up or to keep pushing forward - continuing is inevitable.
I've been putting myself in uncomfortable situations in order to induce more growth and sometimes I wonder why I do that, it's almost involuntary though - or maybe I'm just crazy. Then, like a viscious cycle, I've been generating change within my relationship, and it's been real scary lately, as most of you know some of it already. The scary part is knowing I can't change or control what others do, and it's up to them to change or grow. Putting trust in someone else in that way is a very difficult feeling to deal with.
Then there's the hope of a life much better than I've ever experienced waiting for me in the future because of the more difficult things I will endure. That hope keeps my fire lit.
Anyway... profound emotional impact in many ways, yes.
Ending of Week 2, Bring on the Next 6 Weeks!
Today marks the last day of week 2 out of my 8 weeks of Mission How Bad. Just to show the positive nature in me, I'm already thinking, "Saweeet... 2 more weeks and I'll be 1/2 way there!" HA HA!
The eating is becoming easier to me. Today I actually choked down some raw spinach for lunch, just becuase I knew I hadn't eaten my veggies with my meat and I wasn't going to cook them, AND if I didn't I would have come up with an excuse for not having them. So, glad that's over with.
The part that is worrying me more than anything is the 60 min. of cardio every morning. The only way that I've found to get it in without excuses to interfere is in the wee waking hours of the morning. I rise at 5:55 AM and hop on the elliptical at around 6:00 or 6:10 AM. Actually, it's more like dragging one leg at a time. I've downloaded tons of new music to my iPod just so I don't get too bored. Let's face it, it's not too realistic for me to blare the stereo at those hours, especially when everyone else is cozy, warm, and a SLEEP in their beds.
The 20 min. on my 2-a-days is no big. It's pretty easy to get that in. I mean, for real, who doesn't have just 20 min. to dedicate to some cardio?
The plan I've found that works the best for me is to get in my cardio Monday - Friday, with the weekends OFF! Two days feels like a refreshing break for me, and helps me get up a little easier the next time.
My ST has been 5 days a week the last few weeks. I have no complaints with that at all. 'Cause, I'm just a nut ball like that. :) I'm the lunatic that actually enjoys it! It's funny to see who I am now vs. who I used to be.
So, here's to 2 more weeks, to make it to that 1/2 way point in the 8 weeks of commitment and promise I made to myself and my trainer. Not to mention I've been using this as a tool to experience and prove to myself I can make my way to a real competition!
Weight 182.8! I'm in my 10's comfortably now and liking the changes in the mirror.
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